Trust Issues

My psychologist told me I had trust issues, especially with those in authority.  She told me that I struggled with trusting my own intuition. I even struggled with trusting God.  I remember a light bulb went on inside me.

Abuse creates trust issues.  Someone, usually older and stronger, violated this weaker individual in some way. This often leads to mistrusting people, especially authority figures.  In addition, these feelings of mistrust along with our other experiences with authority figures are often projected onto God. “Why did you let this happen to me, God??”  “Why didn’t you stop it?”  “You must not love me since this happened to me.”

God is angry when people are abused.  Jesus grieves over those who have been harmed in this way.  I don’t know why he allowed it or didn’t stop it from happening to me. What I do know is that God cherishes me and I have grown through my brokenness. Now, I can journey with those whose hearts have been broken.  I am confident that in time, trust in God can be restored to you as well.

Trust is earned, and trust takes time.

This is so true of our human relationships and our relationship with God. He is not human and is faithful to his character and promises. As I have spent time with God and experienced him in a deeply personal way, I know he is trustworthy. Many women ask me why such a loving, trustworthy God allowed this suffering to happen to them and others.   I do not have an answer for that. I always say:

God does not cause trauma. People do.

Start by spending time with God. Talk to him like you would a friend. Tell him how you really feel about what happened to you. He sees you.  

Take time to get to know people. Try not to jump in too quickly to a relationship. Trust your intuition by paying attention to that red flag.  Listen to your gut. Notice how your body reacts.

The Holy Spirit guides, gives abundant wisdom, and will help you re-build trust.

For spiritual practices on healing from shame and building trust with God, self, and others, please check out my Not Alone books.  You are not alone!

Trust is deeply tainted by grooming. This is when the known perpetrator slowly manipulates the victim into trusting them to meet a longing or unmet need in their life.

The Bergers lived in my neighborhood. Lindsey Berger was my best friend. It was like the Hansel and Gretel story. Fun, candy, parties, playful activities, Slurpee’s, adventures to the beach and amusement parks. And an evil witch. Or should I say monster. 

I wanted all that fun as a child.  Not receiving that need at home, I found it elsewhere. Sadly, at a cost. Now, I see that need and offer that little girl compassion. It was not my fault for wanting a family to spend time with me. I can look back and see how I was groomed.

Joe Lonergan is a fellow spiritual director, leader of men’s retreats, and survivor of molestation. His father was emotionally absent and often physically not around. As a young boy, he longed for affirmation from his father.  Father Peter saw that need in him. He started grooming him.

It started slow. After Joe’s duties as an altar boy, he and Father Peter would spend time talking. Joe delighted in this priest who was affirming him. And Joe believed a priest was up there, next to God. Then Father Peter started giving him alcohol. Talking about sex. One thing led to another. Before long, he started molesting Joe. 

You can read more about Joe’s story next month as he will be a guest blogger. Such a beautiful story of healing and redemption.

See how you were groomed. Don’t beat yourself up anymore for having a deeper need. Don’t blame yourself anymore. For taking the bait. For being blind-sided. For not seeing their true intentions.

Offer that younger person in you compassion.