Shame

4/12/2025

Shame is like a cancer to the soul. Shame robs us of our worth as the beloved and our intimate relationship with God.  It lies deep within, permeating our whole being. That is why I was devastated when Sue attacked my integrity as a leader. Although this was not her intention, I perceived this as her shaming me. She tapped into that deep wound.  Looking back, I can see how I overreacted. The disagreement was over a difference of opinions and beliefs. However, God had another plan. He wanted to take that wound, clean out the pus, and stitch it up.  Like most people, I was not aware of my shame.  It was too painful to admit.

Most children who have been abused experience shame. Even adults who another adult has abused feel a sense of unworthiness, that somehow, they deserved it. Children blame themselves for the abuse.  Common beliefs are: “It was my fault,” “I must have done something wrong,” or “I deserved it.”

             Amber: I felt I deserved it because I was wearing a gypsy costume for Halloween.

Some women, like me, felt shame because they didn’t tell anyone. Some women felt shame because they did tell their parents, but they did nothing about it.  It was a double betrayal, first from the abuser and then from the parents who didn’t protect them.

                 Amber: I felt unworthy because my dad did nothing to help me.

              Pamela: I felt unworthy because my father did what no father should do.

         Maddison: I told my mother and she said it was my fault.  She thought I was making it up.

            Mariah: I was so angry at my mother, who did nothing when I told her what he did.

Listen to this, dear one.   IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

There is a difference between toxic shame and shame that leads to change.  Healthy conviction comes from the Holy Spirit. Toxic shame comes from the enemy or from our own critical voice. Shame affects our self-worth. Jesus was honest about people’s behavior; however, he never attacked their self-worth. He always treated them as valuable even when they sinned. The abuse was not his plan for you. Below is a brief description and some examples of toxic shame and healthy conviction.

Toxic Shame                                                                                   Healthy Conviction

Not sure what I did wrong                                               Clearly know I what I did wrong

Leads to feelings of low self-worth                                Leads to repentance, to change

Draws me away from God, feel unloved                      Leads to a feeling of being loved by God

Self-deprecation, lack of self-love                                 Healthy self-acceptance and self-worth

I finally shared with some family members what happened to me.  Here are the not-so-helpful things they said.

“Oh, that was not a big deal.”

“You are over that now.”  

“It happened so long ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Why did you keep going over there?”

“That son of a bitch.”

The last one validated my anger however the other comments resulted in minimizing my trauma. Although my family meant well and the topic is so uncomfortable, they didn’t know what to say.  I learned in therapy not to compare trauma. True, I wasn’t raped or beaten or killed.  My experience did affect me, especially internally. I couldn’t blow it off or keep it a secret anymore.

Many survivors blame themselves or internalize it was their fault. Shame has its debilitating grip on their heart.

“I shouldn’t have gone to the bar that night.”

“I should have seen that he was grooming me.” 

“I shouldn’t have gone on a date with him.”

“I shouldn’t have followed him into the bedroom.” 

“If only I hadn’t pulled into the parking lot late that night.” 

“I should have reported them.”

“If only…..

Cassie’s Story

I was thirty years old. My two girlfriends and I went out to the bar that night. We were having a great time; drinking, laughing, talking, listening to music.

These three guys came up to our table. Offered to buy us drinks. Something told us these guys were not our type, so we said, no thank-you.

But they kept bugging us. So, I strongly told them to fuck off and leave us alone.

The rest of the evening was a blur. I woke up the next day in some grungy hotel. Alone. Naked. Beaten. And raped.

I felt so alone and so ashamed.

I don’t remember what happened. Those guys put something in my drink. I blamed myself for the longest time. “I shouldn’t have gone to the bar.” “I shouldn’t have been rude to them.”  I felt I deserved this.

One day, I heard of Jesus, how much he loved me and could heal me. I wanted this so much that I dedicated my life to him. I wanted to know him more, so I joined a bible study and read through the gospels.

I also went to therapy. Eventually, we did a forgiveness exercise together. But what was more healing was doing the forgiving yourself exercise in Not Alone Group. I was with Jesus and imagined myself rising above those three men who gang raped me. Having God’s strength and comfort helped me start the process of truly forgiving these men.

I felt empowered to take my life back.

Here are some truths about sexual assault.

• I was hurt. It was assault.

•  I am not to blame for what happened to me. I was a victim of the abuse.

• It wasn’t sexual; it was about power and control.

• It was not my fault.

• It did happen to me. I don’t need to hide.

• I am worthy, as God’s daughter or son, to be loved and to love.

• With God’s help and therapy, I can let go of the past and experience freedom.

• I am not a victim now. I can take responsibility for my behavior that was a result of abuse.