Anger

It was my turn to share a bit of my story at our Monday night at POOT: Phasing Out of Trauma.

My father was a “rage aholic.” He spewed most of his anger on my mother. I bore the brunt of that, too. Running away is what kept me safe. That was healthy as a little girl but not as an adult.

I learned that anger was bad. Therefore, I was bad.  Our culture doesn’t help. Women who get angry have been labeled “aggressive,” “crazy,” or a “bitch.”  The church says women should be sweet, quiet, and submissive.

So, I stuffed my anger. It was not my friend. I avoided conflict at all costs. Sadly, this affected some of my relationships. I was too afraid to speak up and use my voice.

As a young adult working as an Audiologist, my boss got mad at me one day. I made a mistake and apologized. Later, I felt so much shame. Then I chose that little-girl behavior to run away.  I turned in my two-week resignation and quit.

For months after that, I felt so depressed. Wondering why, I saw a Biblical counselor who opened the Bible and said, “You need to stay home with your kids.”  That didn’t help at all. The job was only 2 days a week. My kids were a priority, and I was fortunate to work part-time. Then I went to see our pastor for counseling, but he didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t until much later in therapy the insight came that I got triggered by the boss’s anger and saw that as BAD. Just like my father’s rage.

So, I ran away.

I beat myself up over that. Finally, I made peace with my “part” or “little girl,” assuring her that anger is not bad. It is a human emotion that alerts me when something is wrong. I do make mistakes. I can take responsibility and make a change.

And I am GOOD.

Now, I know how to get my anger out in a healthy way.  Taking a walk and pounding the pavement with my feet helps me get it out. Sometimes, I write a lament and hold nothing back. I also “Swear at the Chair,” letting it all out while I imagine the person or situation sitting in the empty chair.

It feels good to get it all out!

I also get mad at God. King David wrote many laments in the Psalms expressing his gut-wrenching anger at God. He was considered a man after God’s heart. If he can lament, so can I. So can you.

God is a big God, and he can take it.

I do use my voice more now. Expressing anger to another is easier for me, and I try to do so in a direct but kind manner using “I” statements.  This way, I point out what that person did or said hurt my feelings while not attacking them. “YOU did this…” causes one to be defensive and shut down.

If I am going to be in a relationship, conflict is inevitable.

Anger is not good or bad. It is a feeling that alerts us when something is wrong. Getting it out and expressing it to God is a healthy release. Expressing it kindly to a person takes wisdom as to what to say, how to say it, and the right timing.  One must discern if it is even safe to tell the person or if it will worsen matters. There is always a risk when dealing with conflict.

When I use my voice, the other person may or may not hear it. Here is where I trust God and let go of the outcome.

When I use my voice and the other person hears it, taking it to heart, the relationship can be more intimate.

As I told the women at POOT last Monday, I will tell you:

Anger is NOT bad.